Personals Profile Hell
A good segue from the "1001 Things to Put in a Post-Paid Envelop" is “101 Ways to Write an Effective Personals Profile.”
This may seem highly irregular and I am ambivalent about releasing this post, but I have to admit a dark secret first. Although I've written my share through the years, the prospects of writing a profile for the online personals sends me cowering. So, I thought it be entertaining to post my most recent online profile with parenthetical information for your eyes only.
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In total violation of the top 10 list of Don’ts in the book “101 Ways to Write an Effective Personals Profile,” I can’t resist from beginning with a sob story: I miss you. I miss your grace, your style, the way you say certain words, your insightful observations, and the way you walk. (Total bunch of crap)
Other areas of my life are very well: loving family (true), good friends (total lie), good career (fudging the truth), two pets who kiss me (when I smear my face with peanut butter), awesome water pressure (ohhh,true), big gas grill (partial true-one of the jets is out), bottle of Shiraz (which has made me write this drivel), huge oak in the front, clean gym shorts for weeks (once I recycle), refinished hardwoods, computer that never crashes (knock on simulated wood), good book on the night stand (Penthouse forum), clean car with no dings, and uncluttered coffee table. Yet, life ain’t perfect, and it is a lot less so without that special someone to share intimate thoughts and dreams. (Sentimental load of shit)
During the week, I am cube-tethered and showered by fluorescence.(so true that I shudder) On the weekends—especially this amazing Austin spring—I feel compelled to be outside for every waking moment, from a morning coffee (nine cups) on the patio to an evening toddy on the porch. In between, you’ll find me jogging (really slow) around Town Lake, jumping in Barton Springs (shrinkage), and floating down the Guadalupe on an occasion tubing trip (with my idiot friends). I find inactivity inexcusable.(unless its March Madness)
As far as telling you much more, I am much more enigmatic than 2000 characters can describe (War and Peace wouldn't scratch the surface) and would prefer the discovery process to beginning more naturally, with just you and me finding out about each other (like what kind of bed linens do you favor).
Thanks for reading my thoughts.
13 Comments:
Brilliant
I believe you mean "shudder", not "shutter". Also, it's "toddy", not "totty". I sense a "paddern".
I too am in a cubicle and even though I have a window, your words enlighten me.
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