Postal Service Delivers Letter 37 Years Later
DIME BOX, TX -- The US Postmaster General today personally delivered a letter sent 37 years ago and addressed only to "Man, Dime Box TX."
With the national media in tow, Postmaster Marvin T. Runyon descended on the brambly front yard in Dime Box's bohemian section with the yellowed, dog-eared letter firmly in his claw.
When Junius Boliver Oliphant answered the door and admitted to being known as "Man" in the 1960s, Runyon handed the letter to its rightful owner. Oliphant, a retired vegetarian restaurant dishwasher, looked bewildering at the letter and the man delivering it.
"Dude, are you John Ashcroft or Captain Kangaroo?," Oliphant, 57, said as he looked suspiciously at Runyon's uniform before his glassy eyes returned to the letter.
Postmarked April, 12 1967, the letter confounded postmasters for decades. In a major break through in the case, a team of WADAFU analysts at the national postal forensic lab in Spokane, Washington developed a recipient profile: a tofu-eating grey beard with a bent for Japanese anime.
The problem: of the 313 aging Dime Boxians, 95 percent eat tofu and 92 percent rent Japanese anime on a regular basis from Big Jim's Anime Corral. Undeterred, WADAFU specialist Judson Quiffenhosen yielded the big break: a woman admitting to writing the letter to her then boyfriend--no other than Junius Oliphant.
With the Postmaster looking on, Oliphant opened the letter and read its contents:
Pick up Cling Peaches on way back
From whatever reality you're in.
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