Red-Letter Day: a Cold Plate of Revenge in a Return Envelop
A productive Saturday for a change: woke up early, excavated the filth from my home and car, mowed the backyard weeds, voted in the city elections, drank a bunch of coffee, and got my hippie hair sheered. Stress-levels were minimal... until the mail came.
After an evening jog through the tree-lined avenues, which are particularly lush this year from the frequent spring showers, the return home finds the mailbox stuffed with the typical crap like pizza coupons, and Have You Seen These People Possibly With These People That May Look Like This cards. Buried in the circulars for Dave's Colonic Barn and Sonic Shot Bar and Tattoo Parlor was a letter from Patriot Mortgage Association. It was a white envelop with an address window displaying a reddish-pink letter. The envelop screams "Urgent: Final Notice, Please Respond." At this point, I am think have I've lost it and forgot to make a payment? Red letters are red for a reason, mostly to scare fluids out of the addressee. I rip it open and read:
"Mr. Earl Knavage, upon careful review of your account, we have determined that you are in serious jeopardy of losing your home that you have worked so hard for. What would happen if you couldn't make your mortgage payment? What if you suffered a debilitating accident, like losing both your arms in a wheat thresher, or became disfigured from a common office hazard, the exploding computer monitor? Have you thought about sleeping under a highway overpass, with a witty cardboard sign, like "Work for Moonpies," your only means of obtaining sustenance? Now, Patriot Mortgage Association has the solution: mortgage insurance..."
Neck veins bulged, expletives hurled--I was a bit irate. The nerve of these parasites--mortgage insurance is a scam. Fortunately, they included a post-paid return envelop. With a devilish grin, I stuffed the envelop with everything I could find: wads of newspaper scrawled with words questioning these people's parentage, some mossy pebbles, and a sprinkling of cat litter, soiled. A red-letter day for you, Patriot Mortgage Association.
Special thanks to Dogman Sierer and Lamberlain for their helpful book "1001 Things to Put in a Post-Paid Envelop."
2 Comments:
Nice. Now that I'm a new mortgage holder, I get mortgage insurance stuff all the fucking time. It's ridiculous.
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